A change

I guess you could say I am not a blogger. My last blog posting was three years ago, I am surprised that this page is still active. I will try again.

There have been changes in that time, most so big that my life and the lives that we touch every day are changed forever. The biggest change is that my husband of 37 years was diagnosed with cancer and after a battle that lasted a mere 16 months died. I won't go into the whole process but I will say my life has changed, some changes have been unpredictable. When he was first gone, I was not sure that I could survive alone. I had never been alone and it was so frightening that I was paralyzed with grief and fear. I could not conceive that I would ever be safe or happy again. I was becoming the whimpering, needy widow and it was scaring me. I am usually able to spring back from losses and move on. I am, after all, a realist.

I did things that were fulfilling for me at the time. Most of them were surrounding my family, that was a way to keep sameness alive. I did join a few self help bulletin boards that helped me get through the darkest days. Mostly by reading post by people who were in a lot of pain. That was a good thing to do, I could see where languishing in self gratifying pain would lead me. I decided that this is not the place I wanted to be and I started to look outward again.

I could not have envisioned the path I would take to get where I am now a year and half later. Looking back at my last posting, I was caught up in the growth issues of our county and volunteer services. It is still a big issue, it is the same as it was in 2005, only I am not part of the discussion on the same level as I was then. I am caught up in the growth issues of me.

I was told all of my life I was born an old woman. I am not going to die an old woman. I have said since coming through the veil of grief that last year was my "crazy" year. I am not so sure I am going to give up "crazy" so easily. I think I like "crazy".

I have tackled floor covering installation, plumbing and learned that I am not quite so helpless as I was told. I have traveled to Missouri this year and I am planning a trip by train to Oklahoma with my girlfriend. I am going to Alaska with my boyfriend. I am "crazy".

Boyfriend! At my age to have a boyfriend, now that is "crazy". He is different than my previous life's partner. With my husband, there was an easy understanding. We could finish each other's sentences. We knew what the other was thinking and why. With my boyfriend there is a different level of understanding and simpatico that is a little unnerving after only a few months. I am looking forward to the "rest of the story".